Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Stuffed Penis Potatoes and Crab Balls with a Ramen Noodle "hairy" Garnish

Sure, you may be offended, but I have to explain this to my priest... or rot in heckfire for all eternity.

OK, there are a few people to blame (credit) for this recipe. Although they may not like taking credit, without these two bloggers, this original (ya think) recipe would never have been made.

So, shame on...

Yesterday morning, I spent a little time getting to know one of my followers. MY TASTY TREASURES publishes an adult content foodie blog. I reviewed her blog in a posting that you may want to check out by clicking HERE. This dish is dedicated to the hours I spent reading her writing. I could never duplicate her style, but I hereby nominate this meal as her potential signature dish... Congrats Donna, you deserve this. Do with this knowledge what you will.

And here's the guy that started it all... A terrific blogger that deserves more respect than this. I remember the first time a blogger duplicated one of my recipes/grilling techniques. I was honored, and it is a memory that will stick with me forever. Sadly, COOKING THE FOOD OF LOVE is now stuck with this memory of what I did to his wonderful Persian dish... dolmeh-ye sibzamini. I altered his recipe a great deal, so he could safely say he had nothing to do with this embarrassment, but the basic ingredients and the... um ... look is all his. Thanks and I am sorry. He really does have one of the most interesting blogs I read. You can find him (and thank him for this) by clicking HERE.

OK, it's recipe time, cause I am sure this will end up on your Christmas Table...

Four people suffered through this, so I selected four BIG potatoes. Unlike what I have been told all my life, size does indeed matter. Big is better (duh), also long and straight is much better than short and fat.

Cut off the tips. The potato needs to stand up straight (duh), so one side needs to be flat. So one end gets tossed.

While the other end needs to be carefully hollowed out into a cone shape, with just about 1/3rd of an inch all around of tater remaining. Also poke a decent size hole in the very... tip.

Imagine what happens next...

Right, use your potato peeler to remove the skin from the shaft of the potato. try to get it as even thickness as possible (you do not want an egg shaped potato, straight is best).

Now comes the hard part. You need to hollow out the potato, leaving about 1/3 inch all the way around without breaking the potato or slicing through the side. It can be done, you want the finished product to look like this...

For that circumcised look, leave the tip unpeeled.

Remember that hollowed out cone shaped tip? I filled it with a little goat cheese. Stuff as filled as possible, until a little bit comes out the hole.

A little coating of extra virgin olive oil.

And now we work on the stuffing. I made a spiced beef (hamburger) stuffing...

A little hamburger, a diced sweet onion, 5 minced garlic cloves, paprika... All sauteed to just finished (these are still going to cook inside the potato, so do not over cook).

Notice the background, all was cooked on my grill. Just cause I could. I am sure you smart cooks don't need my help adapting this to a kitchen cook session. Probably best to keep these indoors, i had to block the view of the neighborhood children whenever I opened the grill.

Spoon in as much of the stuffing as you can into each cavity.

I topped with a spoonful of salsa... Spicy salsa of course.

Top with the tips, get a good tight fit.

I didn't want the tips to fall off during cooking, so I secured them with toothpicks.

On the grill... set up for indirect grilling, the two side burners were set on high. The two center burners were not turned on. This makes your grill an oven.

It takes about an hour for the taters to cook through.

Which gives you time to make the crab balls...

3 eggs (not pictured, but i used em)

8 ounces of crab meat (I live in Kansas, the frozen kind is the best we will ever get). Dice them up as small as you can.

1/4 cup diced Leek

1/2 cup of flower

1 tablespoon of minced Cilantro

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Enough seasoned dry bread crumbs to coat the balls

Mix everything except the bread crumbs

We are cooking 4 potatoes, so how many balls should we make...
Class... Class... Anyone...

Right Donna, we need 8

Saute in 1/2 inch of canola oil (alright, i did this on the stove, no grilling for these (but I could have if I had another grill or maybe a Bubba Keg)

I also sauteed another batch of the seasoned meat for more volume in the presentation to come.

Ahhhh the glory days of college dorm cooking... Anyone who has never cooked Ramen noodles is not a true foodie, but the instructions are pretty easy to follow.

OK, assemble the pieces to make a whole. Decide however you want the presentation to look...

I chose to stand the potato up in the center of the plate, put the crab balls together at the front and line the back with the extra spiced beef and top the extra beef with the Ramon Noodles.

I was very happy with the "vein" look of the salsa running down from the tip.

If you want, add a little garnish around the crab balls... Or go Brazilian.

There was one more touch i added that looked spectacular, but did not photograph at all. So, you are just going to have to imagine this --- I poured a shot of spiced rum (110 proof) at the base of the crab balls and served these flambe'

So, I turned "Penis Potatoes" into "Burning VD Penis Potatoes" (sorry, photos did not turn out)

As Julia child says, "Bon Appe'tit"

After this meal, we all needed a cigarette.

OK, I sure hope you all have a sense of humor. Tomorrow, I promise, back to normal grilled foods.

I do have a few more thoughts if you would indulge me...

When I first found COOKING THE FOOD OF LOVE site, I made a few jokes about the most inappropriate place to serve these...

The food ninja himself suggested - to his mother.
I of course countered with - to my mother-in-law
Lea Ann suggested - the office pot luck
which made me think of - the church pot luck

Or get this mental picture in your mind, as the head table honors a young man with a row of plates of standing potatoes and crab balls as the BarMitzvah boy stands in the middle of it all and proudly proclaims, "Today I am a Man".

A really vulgar person would suggest a sweet sixteen party or Debutante Ball but I am not a vulgar person.

The mind reels...

What do you think... Any place else you would never want to see these served?

An appropriate place... a Bachelorette party

That's all I can come up with for appropriate... little help there needed...


  1. roflmao - I soooooo love the penis potato idea. I may have to serve this at Thanksgiving.

  2. Wow for a moment I thought I was on Donna's blog, LOL, she is a good buddy of mine! That is a most interesting dinner I must say!

  3. Ha! Dude, that's just wrong. I love it.

    Inappropriate place: UN luncheon

  4. For a moment, I thought Donna did a guest post! Do not serve these at a baptism! Or a bar mitzvah. Or any festivity that includes persons under the age of 18!!

  5. This is one the funniest things I've read all week. What an awesome post. So much work went into this.

    :-D 4 stars, baby!

  6. This is awesome - great post! It really made me laugh. I can't wait to read Donna's reaction - she'll be so proud of you!

  7. You are so funny! You made me laugh and laugh! You are a goof.

  8. Oh, you magnificent, magnificent bastard. :)

  9. How bad do you think I want a penis shaped anything in my mouth... Try like never...

  10. ..the "shaft" of the potato? LMAO, I think you deserve some sort of James Beard award for creativity. I mean taking a simple "R "rated dish and turning it into an "X". The goat cheese...nice touch, the salsa...nice touch...balls and ramen...priceless

  11. Like many others, I saw the title and thought it was Donna. Ya did her proud I am sure. I would have loved to see the Burning VD picture.....

  12. HMMMM, maybe some sour cream running down the shaft of the potato to .. you know..finish off the potato so to speak.

    Looks like quite a mouthful, I'd down that in one swallow.

  13. LOL... I can't stop laughing... I knew Donna was somehow involved... ummm... her suggestion wasn't bad either....

    Hey... the penis look tasty .... can I say that?

  14. Well done! Donna would be proud of you.

  15. your going to give everyone spud envy with a johnson like that!

  16. I am laffing so hard at this "recipe" I think I will serve them to my Mother in law who is here visiting! I just won't say anything and try not to crack up as I look around the table and see the looks on people faces! Hahahahahaha'

    Thanks SO much!
    Really Spooky
    ~Really Rainey~

  17. mwaaa haaa haa haaa!!! This is soooooo reminiscent of Donna :D And kinda creepy all at the same time, LOL...gotta love it!

  18. You have a lot of balls to be posting this! (but hilarious all the same!)